"I'm never going back to Clarksville. I'm on to bigger and better things. I'll probably move to Europe or somewhere glamorous once I'm done with college," were my thoughts as I entered into 2012 and into my season here at Hillsong College.
I had a plan. I thought I was good at making plans. And I thought my plan was really good. When I came to Hillsong College in January 2012, my plan was to stay here two or three years, meet a great guy, and then run off into the sunset to start a church plant. I never actually considered anything else.
But as I embarked on this year, as all are, the way as I saw life, God, and myself was transformed. I finally stepped into the authority I dared to believe I had in Christ and as my speech and disciplines changed, so did my heart.
See, my greatest revelation at college was not how incredible I am as a leader, or gifted I am as a worship leader, or loving I am as a connect leader, but it was always how absolutely awesome and magnificent my Savior is. How merciful is his love! How all sufficient is his grace that he's given to me to do all he's purposed me to do! How abundant is his goodness!
In the process of my heart being shaped and molded to beat like his in this year, he changed my desires. My desire changed from "I want to build a great ministry and and be a great worship leader and have a great marriage and embark on a great life" to "I want what HE wants. I want to build HIS church and reach the people that HE has called me to reach." My life is no longer about me, but about him. I finally got out of the way. I finally let go.
The catalyst for my change of heart was finally allowing myself to encounter his love in the way he desired. So often, I made my relationship with God about me, but when I finally turned my eyes to him to give up all I wanted and all that I desired, I found a deeper and more overwhelming love than I could have possibly imagined. Through different services, conferences, chapels, connect groups and small conversations, I started to encounter this love.
In this year growing as a leader, I learned to trust God for who he IS. And he is love. So instead of setting for myself my own version of love (what I thought I wanted), I just let the person of Jesus Christ become love to me.
When I finally got to the place where I was willing to follow Jesus wherever that meant and do whatever he wanted me to do, He decided to flip the switch on me. At first it was little tugs on my heart over the summer break, but the final turn of my heart was when provision and circumstance didn't seem to come together to start my second year at college. It didn't make sense to me at first, but as I prayed and trusted God, I experienced a change of heart like never before.
I'm back not because it's what I expected, but because I'm called to be here, in Clarksville, Tennessee in the States. I'm on mission here. And because of the atmosphere and incredible teaching and family at Hillsong College, God has enabled me to see myself as the leader he's called me to be and opened my eyes to the gifts he's given me to lead back at my home church. I know I'm back to serve and build my church like never before and I couldn't have done that without being discipled and raised up in this season in this incredible college and church.
I am so blessed and forever grateful for my season in Australia. I'm so expectant for what's to come and honored that God would choose me to be apart of his grand story. All praise and glory be to Him!
